With This Knife
by g3nesis1
Summary: [after Kenshin Departs] What if Kaoru was more heartbroken than it really seemed? Her heart was shattered when Kenshin left, but.. Did Sano, Yahiko, and the rest of them, really see the damage? [Songfic With this Knife by Smile Empty Soul]
1. With This Knife

**"With This Knife"**

Why did he have to leave? Kaoru asked herself with tears rushing down her fragile, porcelain like cheeks. Why couldn't he stay? He was so selfish! She closed her eyes, cursing at herself mentally for thinking such a thing. Kenshin was anything but selfish.. She loved him.

_I let myself fall into a lie  
I let my walls come down  
I let myself smile and feel alive  
I let my walls come down  
No matter how i try i don't know why  
You push so far away  
You wrapped your hands tight around my heart  
And squeezed it full of pain  
_

She was so happy with him.. It was so different from everything else she ever felt, its like she could never explain the happiness she felt when she was with him. She was in a cloud, fallen into heaven when she was with him; looking deep into his beautiful eyes. She wished he'd stayed. Her heart was torn, broken.. Shattered. Those words kept echoing over and over in her head. Good-bye, Ms. Kaoru.

_With this knife i'll cut out the part of me  
The part that cares for you  
With this knife i'll cut out the heart of me  
The heart that cares for you_

She let out a small breath as she pushed herself up from the bed. What would happen if he never returned? Would he? Could he? She put her hands to her cheeks again. "Ken-shin…" She whispered. "Ken-shin!" She screamed.

_I can't believe the way you took me down  
I never saw the pain  
Coming in a million broken miles  
Like poison for my veins  
_

She closed her eyes, images flying over her eyes. Images on him on the ground, dead with blood dripping from his mouth, his fingers wrapped around the hilt of the reverse blade sword. Nightmares haunted her. She had realized, that love had lifted her up.. But, it was casting her into the darkness as well. She was alone now.. All Alone.

_The hate and the fear  
The nightmares that wake me up  
In tears  
The nightmares and (the hate)..._

She pushed herself up, gripping one of the daggers she had hidden. She hadn't used one in so long.. She was so used to the wooden sword of the Kamiya-Kashine style. But, many things changed her mind. The events that led up to this point, that led up to this day; her thoughts..

"Ken-shin.." She closed her eyes, unsheathing the dagger slowly and holding it tightly, the blade pointed towards her own body. "Ken-shin." Her hands were shaking.

_With this knife i'll cut out the part of me   
The part that cares for you  
With this knife i'll cut out the heart of me  
The heart that cares for you._

She wanted to be with him.. Forever. She wanted to hold him…Forever. But she couldn't now. He was gone.. And she soon would be as well. She closed her eyes and wrapped both hands around the hilt of the dagger. "I'm sorry.." She whispered, throwing the blade through her stomach.

The pain was something she didn't expect. She thought she had felt all kinds of pain. "Ken-…shin.." She said, dropping to the floor.


	2. Grim Discovery

Yahiko sighed. "She can't still be moping, could she?" He was hesitant to go into Kaoru's room, at all. Sano was outside sitting on the porch.. They were talking about going to Kyoto.. Sano really wanted to and Yahiko thought that… That maybe Kaoru and him should go, too.

He walked over to her door and bit his lip. "Kaoru?" His eyes widened hearing a frightening noise inside. He opened the door to see an even more frightening scene. Kaoru was bleeding, a dagger in her fingers. Her eyes were closed and he didn't know if she was breathing. "KAOORRU!" He screamed, rushing to her side.

She was bleeding so much, he didn't know what to do. "Kaoru, Kaoru!" He tried to wake her up, tears were in his eyes. "Sano! Sano! Get Ms. Megumi! Hurry!" He screamed, cradling Kaoru in his arms.

Sano almost jumped up in the air about 6 feet, hearing Yahiko scream. "What the-?" He asked himself. He ran into Kaoru's room and almost fell against the wall. "Oh My God! What the fuck happened?"

"Just get Ms. Megumi! NOW!" Sano rushed off to Dr. Gensai's office as Yahiko tried to help Kaoru. "Kaoru, Kaoru.. Please, wake up?" He held her stomach tightly, trying to stop the bleeding. What happened? Had she-? No, Kaoru wasn't like that. Was she? Why would she do that?

"Ken…-shin." She whispered, tears rushing down her own cheeks.

Yahiko cursed. "That's no reason to do this to yourself, Kaoru! He left! Yeah, so what!" He screamed. He could feel her body getting colder and colder by the minute.. 'God, Sano. Hurry.'

Megumi was basically being dragged by Sano back to the dojo. "What's going on? Can't you at least tell me what's happening?" Megumi asked, trying to run beside him holding her supplies.

"I don't know what happened! Alright! Yahiko just found-…" He paused; his voice choked out of him. 'Why, Kaoru? Why?'

Megumi rushed into the Dojo and headed straight for Kaoru's bedroom. She pushed the crying Yahiko out of the way and looked to her. "I need clothe! Hot water! Now!" Megumi yelled and Yahiko raced off to fetch it. Sano grabbed the clothe and handed it to her quickly.

Megumi eyed the dagger beside Kaoru and frowned. "I think I know what happened." She pulled the dagger from Kaoru's fingers and pushed it far from her. Kaoru had lost a lot of blood already, a lot.. She could see it just by the amount beneath of her. Her fingers were shaking as she pressed on Kaoru's wound and tried to stop it from bleeding. She wiped the blood away a little bit and started working. It wasn't that deep because the dagger hadn't obviously went in that far. She was glad.. It would have killed Kaoru instantly if it did.

She pulled her hair back and swiped the sweat from her brow as she sealed Kaoru's wound with the impatient and sorrowed Yahiko and Sano watching. A few hours passed and Megumi leaned back, releasing a heavy sigh.

"A-are you done?" Yahiko asked, looking into her tired eyes.

"Yes, I am done. I have done all I can do for Kaoru.. It's up to her now." She sighed heavily and looked over to Sano. She knew what had happened, but she never expected this from Kaoru. Out of all people? She was the one laughing, or smirking, or… hitting Kenshin upside the head with a wooden bucket. Yes, that was the problem… Kenshin.

She closed her eyes and pushed herself up. Sano pulled the covers over Kaoru and looked to her with saddened eyes. "…Dammit, Kaoru. Dammit.." He said, walking back to Megumi leaving Yahiko alone with her.

Sano looked to Megumi and closed his eyes. "…I know she was upset but I-."

Megumi just looked at him. "…Silly girl. She loves him very much.. But, if there isn't anything I haven't learned from Sir Ken I learned that.. You have to live. She… She didn't think that she would see him again." She crossed her arms over her chest. "And, I think that was the worst thought she had ever had." She closed her eyes, holding back the tears that threatened to fall.

Sano clenched his fist. "…" He couldn't say anything, for he didn't know what to say.

Yahiko walked over to Kaoru's side and bit his lip. He looked to his hands which were still somewhat stained with her blood, along with his kumono. "K-K-Kaoru." He whispered. Tears ran down his exhausted cheeks. "Please, please don't die.." He pled. "Why, why did you do this?" He asked, lowering his head. "I-I may be mean to you all the time, and call you ugly.. B-but, you're not Kaoru. Please.. Please, don't die. Yo-you were the first one who fought for me.. And, and… You were the only one who cared for me, and my safety. I…" He put his palms to his cheeks. "Please, don't die.. You're beautiful, Kaoru! Don't die!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Okay, well thanks to Patience Halliwell, for giving me an idear. This was orignially a oneshot.. But, you inspired me.. So, thanks! I hope you enjoy it. XD


	3. It's Over

_**A month after the Incident--Two months after Kenshin left**(sorry, I didn't know what to do for those very long months. o.O)_

Kaoru's eyes opened slowly, something she didn't want to happen. She blinked a few times, looking up at the ceiling. Her heart was broken; she didn't know if he was alive or if he was ever coming back. She wanted to be with him, forever.. But they just wouldn't let her. She hadn't spoken to anyone since then.

She pushed herself up and stood, her black hair falling over her shoulder. Her fingers traced over the huge scar on her stomach. She wished she had dug deeper; harder. She closed her eyes and slowly got dressed. She walked out of the dojo, sitting down on the porch like she had every day, waiting for him to come back.

Sano looked up, seeing Kaoru walking to the porch. 'Wow,' he thought. 'She finally came out.' He looked over to Yahiko. "…Do you think he'll ever come back?" He asked, still looking to Kaoru.

Yahiko looked up for a minute. "I don't know, Sano."

Kaoru sighed and pulled her knees to her chest, closing her eyes and laying her head on her knees. She wanted to hear his voice again, to see his smile again.. Why couldn't she had just died? Why didn't they let her? It had all gotten worse. She couldn't remember when she'd been this depressed, ever. Not even when her father died. Sometimes she'd yell at herself mentally, screaming for her to get up and get the hell over it. But she couldn't.. She loved him.

+- - - -+

The day passed by so quickly. It seemed like only minutes when the Sun was going down again and the masterpiece of many colors were waving across the sky. She took a deep breath, looking to the horizon as it grew darker and darker. "He's never coming back," she told herself. She had to get used to it.. She had to stop being like this every day.

Tears slowly made their way down her cheek as she pushed herself up. She bit her lip and let her head fall from her shoulders. Her eyes hardened and she walked into the dojo, grabbing the wooden sword. She hadn't used it in so long.. It felt weird in her fingers for a moment.

She lifted her head up and gripped it tightly; it was time to stop being like this.. It was time to return to normal life and forget about the wanderer who entered her life, and as quickly left it.

She pulled her hair back and closed her eyes. "…It's over." She whispered. She opened her eyes slowly, slipping into a stance. She pulled the wooden katana up slowly, and took a deep breath. "It's over.." She repeated. She swung the wooden sword to the left, almost as if she was fighting an invisible force. Her anger only fueled her, making her go faster and faster as she continued to practice what she hadn't in such a long time.

She turned. "HYA!" She yelled; it echoed through the empty dojo. She continued, throwing the katana all over the place.. She wished she had someone here, someone here to spar with.. But Yahiko was probably asleep, and Sano.. Well, Sano was Sano. After a few hours of this, she dropped the ground, wooden katana in hand. She gave a soft smile and closed her eyes, leaning against the wall.. She was free now and she hoped it would last.

Sano woke up, hearing someone yelling. He pushed himself up, his eyes scanning over everything. He turned, hearing it coming from Kaoru's room. He pushed himself up and rushed towards it. He opened her door just slightly, seeing her practicing. His eyes narrowed. Was she finally getting better? Or.. Was this another one time thing? He sighed heavily and closed the door. He would see in the morning.

Kaoru was already up when Yahiko and Sano walked out from their rooms. Yahiko looked over to Sano with a cocked brow. She was making breakfast!  
"Good Morning," she said, a bit of happiness in her voice. The old Kaoru was returning, slowly but surely.

"Good Morning, Kaoru." Yahiko answered, sitting in front of her. He never took his eyes off of her. Never, not once. "…Are you alright, Kaoru?"

Kaoru looked up to him with a smile. "..Much better."  
Yahiko smiled back and looked to the food. "Good, 'cause I'm starving!" He laughed, Kaoru did as well.

Sano sat on the porch. Maybe, she actually was getting better. She was smiling, she was laughing.. He could see it in her eyes; now and last night. "I'm glad your back, Kaoru." He said.

"Me too.."


	4. Please?

Sano smiled and looked over to Kaoru who was sitting on the porch, eyes to the sky and a smile on her face. Up until now -- he had never really seen how beautiful she was. He blinked as his eyes traced down her slim body. Her beautiful black hair twisted down her backside, wrapping around her shoulders like a dark blanket. And her eyes… God, those eyes.

Kenshin, he was an idiot for leaving. He took a breath and looked away. "…You're really okay, Kaoru?" He asked silently.

Kaoru looked over. She had been thinking about a few things all day. She nodded. "I'm… getting better." She looked down for a moment and then back out to the sky.

Sano's eyes narrowed.

"I…" She paused. "I thought I couldn't live without him, Sano. I thought he was the only reason to live for a long time. I loved him." She bit her lip. "I…" She sighed and closed her eyes. "I was stupid."

"You weren't stupid." He said. "You were broken."

Kaoru looked over into Sano's eyes as tears welled up on the brims of her own. Sano inched closer and reached up, wiping the tears from her cheeks. "We aren't mad at you, Kaoru. We were just… worried and scared that we may have lost you. Yahiko," he looked over to him, sleeping in the dojo. "He was really scared. He would kill me if I told you this, but.. He was crying." He looked to his fist and back up into Kaoru's eyes. "It wouldn't be the same without you."

Her lips quivered. Her eyes fell to sorrow as she wrapped her arms around him, placing her head on his shoulder. "…I'm sorry, Sano."

He was a bit surprised as her hands slipped around him, but… he held her close. "It's okay, Kaoru. You're better now. Just… don't do it again." He closed his eyes. He couldn't say what he was thinking that moment he saw her, lying in a pool of her own blood. He couldn't speak it; he didn't even want to think about it anymore.

He could feel her tears on his shoulder and he held her tighter and tighter wishing he could rip her pain away, place it all on himself. He wished he could find a way to ease a broken heart, he wished he could find a way to make her feel wonderful again.

She pulled away for a moment with her eyes still closed. "…I don't know what to do, Sano. I can't--"

He placed his hand on her cheek and gave a small smile before pressing his lips to hers, softly. He closed his eyes. Her warmth was overwhelming and it made his heartbeat pound faster and harder than ever.

Kaoru closed her eyes. She didn't want to pull away, but her mind SCREAMED. She let her head drop to her chest. "S-Sano."

He sighed. "I'm sorry, Kaoru."

"No," she said. "Don't say it." She pulled him closer and kissed him one last time. "Just… Let's just stay like this." She whispered, placing her head on his chest. "Please?"

Sano looked down to her for a moment and nodded. "Alright, Kaoru." His fingers softly glided through her silky hair which smelt enchanting.

_I love you, Kaoru, _he thought to himself closing his eyes.


End file.
